I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
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