I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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