I CAN MOONWALK!
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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