Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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