I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Randomize
