I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Randomize
