Michael Bay diarrhea
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
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