Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize