So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
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