Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Randomize
