Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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