I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Randomize
