i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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