the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
