he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
