so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Randomize
