I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
