My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
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