I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
