I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
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