I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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