she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Randomize
