I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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