I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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