I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
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