All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
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