Have you finally orgasmed yet?
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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