God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Dude my mom stole all your condoms
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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