her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
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