I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Randomize
