I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I understand Curling. That high.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
Randomize
