Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
