i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize