So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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