Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I queefed so loud it echoed.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
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