after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
