OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Randomize
