We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Randomize
