zippers are such a cool invention
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
