haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? 😭😭
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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