dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Randomize
