Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Randomize
