I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
