Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
