Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
So much rum. So many feels.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
