i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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