hi i'm bored and kind of... in a sort of dirty mood
pics
no i'm at a mixer dressed up as the teenage mutant ninja turtles
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Well I just put wine in my tea
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
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