he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Randomize
