this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Randomize
