I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
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