she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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