just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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