In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Randomize
