is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
