i jhust puked up my retainher.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
Randomize
