You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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