Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
