vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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