I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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