Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
