So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
don't judge my taste in strippers
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Randomize