He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
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