I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize